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As Poseidon’s trident controls the waves, so too has this triple-pronged beauty mastered my heart. With the primitive shaving tools at his disposal – I’d like to think this devil-may-care heartthrob just goes at it with a blunt machete – it’s not surprising that he’s had to bleed a little to sculpt this pristine marvel. No pain, no gain.

But this is more than an arousing follicular achievement – this is an artistic statement, an organic depiction of one man’s intenral struggle against the conflicting facets of his tempestuous psyche. The will to be a good man is trapped between the imposing, towering manifestations of drug addiction (left) and ruthless ambition (right). The absence of a moustache, the dark ceiling that would forever imprison what remains of his virtuousness, is a sign of hope. He can change.

He can change.

My love for blue is like a truck, Gunzerker / Would you like some making fuck, Gunzerker?

My love for blue is like a truck, Gunzerker / Would you like some making fuck, Gunzerker?

Now the harsh reality of being the proud owner of a jaw-warmer is that your pride and joy requires constant maintenance. But what if you’re a career guy? What if, say, you’re the pilot of the finest space vessel the galaxy has to offer and the onus is on you to not get everyone killed when your commander insists on putting everyone in maximum danger constantly when he’s not admiring his scale model collection and inviting slutty crew members up for yet another ‘private chat’? What if you haven’t got time to trim the excess because you’re trying to stick it to the embodiment of a VI whose cold, hard shell would shatter every brittle bone in your body? What if? That neck overspill, that’s what. Unsightly tufts of unkempt neck fluff that draw the eye away from the tidy masterpiece you’ve been sculpting above. I’m embarrassed for him, frankly.

Now the harsh reality of being the proud owner of a jaw-warmer is that your pride and joy requires constant maintenance. But what if you’re a career guy? What if, say, you’re the pilot of the finest space vessel the galaxy has to offer and the onus is on you to not get everyone killed when your commander insists on putting everyone in maximum danger constantly when he’s not admiring his scale model collection and inviting slutty crew members up for yet another ‘private chat’? What if you haven’t got time to trim the excess because you’re trying to stick it to the embodiment of a VI whose cold, hard shell would shatter every brittle bone in your body? What if? That neck overspill, that’s what. Unsightly tufts of unkempt neck fluff that draw the eye away from the tidy masterpiece you’ve been sculpting above. I’m embarrassed for him, frankly.

Men want to be him, women want to serve sake to him in a hot spring. Augus is Obi-wan to Asura’s Luke, only Alec Guinness wasn’t rockin’ a hot red bod, a sword that’s infinity metres long and the ultimate luxuriant alabaster chinstrap of the immortals. I think what I admire most about him is his ‘no touching’ policy. Enjoy the view, just don’t attempt to scale the mountain, dig? Notable contenders: Deus, Kalrow

Men want to be him, women want to serve sake to him in a hot spring. Augus is Obi-wan to Asura’s Luke, only Alec Guinness wasn’t rockin’ a hot red bod, a sword that’s infinity metres long and the ultimate luxuriant alabaster chinstrap of the immortals. I think what I admire most about him is his ‘no touching’ policy. Enjoy the view, just don’t attempt to scale the mountain, dig?

Notable contenders: Deus, Kalrow

When I was bored doing temp jobs in Wolverhampton, I used to write lyrics for game music. They were (semi-deliberately) terrible. I think this is how the start of my Ghosts ‘n Goblins one went: Brave Sir Arthur running through the graves (Because he’s crazy) Beard so big and bushy I bet he never shaves (Because he’s lazy) … At the time, I wasn’t capable of growing a beard so I guess the lyrics were born largely out of jealousy. I’d like to take this opportunity to personally apologise to Arthur, who’s clearly quite a motivated chap and might have his mind on matters slightly more pressing than personal grooming. Sorry, Arthur. (Someone with a bit more motivation than me has written lyrics too, but they’re obviously not as good - click the picture to watch)

When I was bored doing temp jobs in Wolverhampton, I used to write lyrics for game music. They were (semi-deliberately) terrible. I think this is how the start of my Ghosts ‘n Goblins one went:

Brave Sir Arthur running through the graves

(Because he’s crazy)

Beard so big and bushy I bet he never shaves

(Because he’s lazy)

…

At the time, I wasn’t capable of growing a beard so I guess the lyrics were born largely out of jealousy. I’d like to take this opportunity to personally apologise to Arthur, who’s clearly quite a motivated chap and might have his mind on matters slightly more pressing than personal grooming.

Sorry, Arthur.

(Someone with a bit more motivation than me has written lyrics too, but they’re obviously not as good - click the picture to watch)

Beard, Beard, Burning Bright Would that I could feel ‘pon mine cheek That terrible heat of thine fiery bush As ‘twere that from which God would speak Alas, their claim the fates have staked A blister’d face, small price to pay Like sweet Prometheus, a divine mistake 

Beard, Beard, Burning Bright

Would that I could feel ‘pon mine cheek

That terrible heat of thine fiery bush

As ‘twere that from which God would speak

Alas, their claim the fates have staked

A blister’d face, small price to pay

Like sweet Prometheus, a divine mistake 

“Guan Yu is said to have a beautiful long beard and a long blade, earning him the nickname ‘Beautiful Beard’.” Swoon. It says here that Guan Yu came 34th out of 62 in a Dynasty Warriors popularity poll. I can only assume that the other 33 have better beards, otherwise I cannot be held responsible for my actions. My killing actions. (Suggested by @ridentffxi) View high resolution

“Guan Yu is said to have a beautiful long beard and a long blade, earning him the nickname ‘Beautiful Beard’.” Swoon.

It says here that Guan Yu came 34th out of 62 in a Dynasty Warriors popularity poll. I can only assume that the other 33 have better beards, otherwise I cannot be held responsible for my actions. My killing actions.

(Suggested by @ridentffxi)

In a world of clean-shaven protagonists, it took a small studio in Sweden to stand up and say, “NO! A hero without at least 20% lower jaw coverage is no hero at all”. And now look - every single game hero created since has had a beard, or has at one time entertained the notion of growing one. Jack Wade: game changer.

In a world of clean-shaven protagonists, it took a small studio in Sweden to stand up and say, “NO! A hero without at least 20% lower jaw coverage is no hero at all”. And now look - every single game hero created since has had a beard, or has at one time entertained the notion of growing one. Jack Wade: game changer.

I feel my hands on your lips/The heat of your body/Whisper you love me, say you love me/Please just love me, tell me never leave me/Bubble Dreamer! (Suggested by Stuart ‘Hey!’ Hey)

I feel my hands on your lips/The heat of your body/Whisper you love me, say you love me/Please just love me, tell me never leave me/Bubble Dreamer!

(Suggested by Stuart ‘Hey!’ Hey)

I’d be cranky too if I was the first monkey to grow what looks like a shy, bristly phantom crawling into my throat and not be the star of the game. I JUST WANT TO TUG IT. Not hard, just firmly. The kind of tug that says, “I appreciate you, let’s elope”.

I’d be cranky too if I was the first monkey to grow what looks like a shy, bristly phantom crawling into my throat and not be the star of the game. I JUST WANT TO TUG IT. Not hard, just firmly. The kind of tug that says, “I appreciate you, let’s elope”.